The Coolest Monsters You’ve Never Used

There’s a great many neat monsters in that original Monster Manual that I never used, but oh, how I wanted to. I don’t know why they never came up; it certainly wasn’t because of any aversion on my part. Perhaps they were simply too deadly, the wrong level, etc.

In alphabetical order:

1. Catoblepas

I always liked this monster, not sure why. I can see the warthog-like nature turning off some DMs, and it doesn’t fir in well with most enclosed (read: dungeon) environments, but I think the ultimate killer for this beast was its pure deadliness.

Among the Hisperies and Ethiopians is a well, that many men trow is the head of Nile, and there beside is a wild beast that hight Catoblefas, and hath a little body, and nice in all members, and a great head hanging always toward the earth, and else it were great noying to mankind. For all that see his eyen, should die anon, and the same kind hath the cockatrice...

—Bartholomaeus Anglicus, 

13th century CE

    De proprietatibus rerum, book 18

Despite the limited chances of it raising its head, it basically amounts to a single DM roll spelling instant death for any character, regardless of level. (Novel thing that, in this 4e age!)

2. Intellect Devourer

My love of this one rides solely on a great Dave Trampier illustration and the idea of this thing clawing away while it mentally assaults you. The “headless” look of the monster adds to its overall weirdness, ass does its brain like “face.” If seen a few updates of this critter, so I guess for love for it is not a rare thing.

3. Leucrotta

My favorite on this list, hands down. These guys, to the best of my knowledge, appeared in just two adventures (Wandering Monster tables notwithstanding)—Temple of Elemental Evil and a side trek in Dungeon called “Their Master’s Voice.”

The combination of a jackal-like look, the weird mouth (which is based on the original myth), and their voice trickery is awesome. Mike Ferguson does a splendid update of these in Paizo’s Second Darkness adventure path (I adored the illustration Paizo used too); well done Mike!

4. Peryton

This monster looks a trifle wacky, it’s true. But a great many medieval mythical beasts are total patchwork affairs, some far worse than this. It always seems like a good wyvern substitute to me—a creature suitable for mountainous ledges and such. The cool idea of it craving hearts is a bonus. And am I the only one to notice that its shadow is shaped like a human?

5. Su-Monster

These guys begged for a good jungle habitat and a suitable opponent. Savage? Check. Intelligent? Check. Psionics—what? Check! A very cool and unique critter, and I pity the fool that mistakes one of these for just another primate.

Well there you have it. What are your favorite but least-used MM beasts?

My Top 10 favorite Monsters From 1st Edition

There are some very obvious, iconic monsters I’m leaving off this list for (what I hope are) obvious reasons—I don’t think the gentle reader needs me to explain the importance of red dragons or orcs in D&D! I’m sticking to the original Monster Manual here, no MM II or Fiend Folio creatures allowed (next post perhaps).
Okay, here we go (in alphabetical order):

1. Beholder

Weird, alien, and badass, these D&D-original creatures could easy take on a whole party and yawn about it afterward. I also love the fact that they are very intelligent and could very well serve as evil masterminds in a campaign. Ed Greenwood’s Forgotten Realms also seemed to give beholders credit for being movers and shakers. To this day I’ve never run one as a DM—never had a party that could survive one—but I really, really look forward to that day.

2. Carrion Crawler

This monster works well for those times where the DM needs a mindless creature with which to threaten the party—it beats out giant ants by a long shot. I always thought giant insects were cool—too many viewing of THEM! on the late show growing up no doubt—and this one fits the bill nicely. (I was greatly disappointed to see they didn’t make the 3.5 SRD!) The Anhkheg makes a very close second place for fictional insect-type monster, but for me the carrion crawler is extremely iconic of D&D (and that’s probably what kept it out of the SRD).

3. Gelatinous Cube

Iconic and deadly. Despite a relatively low hit dice, these babies could sneak up on lone adventures, paralyze them, and consume them before anyone realized it happened. Also, the idea of a vaguely pinkish cube (containing a visible skull or to perhaps) gliding down a dungeon hall always reminded me of the Blob, and that’s pretty creepy. They’re relentless, and they won’t stop to bargain or parley … after all, they only want to consume you…

4. Ghoul

These undead were all-around useful in a campaign. They are a good challenge for low-level parties, but dangerous enough to use with ghasts or as undead backup at later levels. The fact that elves were immune to their touch always gave the elves in a low-level party reason to shine too.

5. Gnoll

Many of the D&D humanoids suffer from an identity complex—they’ve been draw many ways by many artists and players & DMs have defined them in their own terms, which often don’t agree. For instance, how do you picture kobolds? Little evil devil guys like in the original MM drawing? Little doglike or monkeylike guys? Or lizard-like humanoids a la 4e or Paizo’s products? You understand my point.
Gnolls however have always had a fairly consistent presentation. They seem different from the other humanoids, they prefer warmer climes and open plains, and they have the added bonus of demon worship (and Yeenoghu—which I tend to pronounce YEENY-goo instead of Yen-Oh-goo—has long been a favorite demon prince of mine).

6. Green Slime

See Gelatinous Cube.
Very deadly! The Moathouse dungeon in T1 The Village of Hommlet had two of these … in case the first one missed. Charitable, E. Gary Gygax was not.

7. Mind Flayer

Ah, the dreaded illithids! They might well top the beholder in the alien-feeling role, but they serve many similar functions. What did they want? How do they interact with the Drow and other underground races? These questions were left wide-open for the enterprising DM.
The rare character that had psionics knew they wouldn’t graduate as a real power player without exchanging mind blasts with one of these underground weirdies.

8. Troll

A troll could have been almost any concept initially, but the tall, green, regenerating monster of the MM was distinctive and primal. Gygax always descibed them as having nests of bones and trash, which immediately let the DM know exactly how "evolved" these brutes were. Beyond that, the picture of a troll head still trying to bite after decapitation was a vivid image indeed, crowning these guys the kings of regeneration for al time.

9. Rust Monster

I love these propeller-tailed guys. For a monster based on a plastic toy, rust monsters provide a unique threat: something that cannot hurt characters physical at all, yet they can be greatly feared.

10. Stirge

Another wonderfully variable monster. Fine for 1st-level encounters in small numbers, but fearsome indeed in large schools (or whatever a group of stirges is called— a school of ravens is actually called a murder of ravens, which might fit well here). It basically a monstrous mosquito, but this creature alwys seemed very real to me and I never had trouble imagining them.

It’s come to me that nearly all my favorites are creatures created almost whole-cloth for the game, though stirges originate from Italian myth and gnolls from Lord Dunsany and his gnoles. I’ve only listed my favorites here, not what I feel are the most practival in a campaign.

Next time: The Coolest Monsters You’ve Never Used!

My Favorite Monster

Coming soon: My list of favorite original monsters!

(Props to Erik Mona for the idea.)

But in the meantime, here's my real favorite monster:

The Smell of Dust is the Smell of Death

On review, this post came off a bit snarky. Sorry about that, it's been a long week. You were warned.

I'm a big believer in FLGSs, or Friendly Local Game Stores. When I'm in the mood to buy a game product and have some cash to burn, I want to go heft that boardgame, flip through that module, or debate which pack of CCG cards feels luckiest. It about the environment—a 'we get it" atmosphere that can't be found anywhere else, save perhaps Gen Con.

Despite living about 30 minutes from New York City, game stores are in short supply for me. (On the flip side, maybe that's the problem: there's way too much to do out here.) When I find a new store, its a rare treat. Like many others, I'll also take what I can get, even if it's the really-a-comic-store-but-we-have-a-few-RPGs type of place.

I've seen a few FLGSs crumple in my time, usually a sad, slow death that is basically painful to watch. Two stores I frequent—neither I'll name—seem to be following this fate right now. Bummer. Yet some places seem to do it right. Some highly opinionated points I'd offer for FLGS success (bearing in mind I have zilch experience running said establishments):

1. Keep the stock fresh.

Get in regular new stock if it is available. Have a "New Arrivals" shelf. Don't make me hunt for the new stuff, it doesn't attract me to the old stock I push aside. Some days I only have time for a quick stop, and a quick discovery is a quick sale.

Don't swear off a line because a single book doesn't sell. I've seen it so many times—a store begins to carry a line, a book or two from that line doesn't fly off the shelf, and wham, no more new arrivals. Perhaps I've already got that book and I'm looking for the next. You never know.

2. Keep the "F" in Friendly-LGS.

This sounds like a no-brainer, but there it is. Be nice. Offer assistance, then back off. Don't follow me around the store, haunting me like a ghost, but don't ignore me either. I once walked into a FLGS, selected a $60 boardgame from the shelf, and then waited in vain for 15 minutes at the front counter to be acknowledged. I wasn't. I walked, and the $60 stayed in my jeans. Not good for your business, and not good for my attitude.

3. Diversify.

Think about mixing in non-RPG goods with your stock. I'm not talking totally left field here, but RPGers share a lot of similarly geeky interests. Show me 5 guys that play D&D, and I'll gamble one's a horror fan, one likes graphic novels, one plays the boardgame Descent, one owns a Playstation or X-Box, and at least one's an avid reader. Stock a bookshelf with fantasy novels and perhaps some thriller or horror fiction. Carry some graphic novels. Stock some toy figures (McFarland, etc). You get the idea. For geeks like me, it's one stop shopping. And hey, if the latest Pathfinder I'm seeking isn't there, I might buy the latest copy of Walking Dead or a boardgame instead.

4. Allow some "geek space" but keep your geeks in line.

Most stores are good about this. A FLGS is a safe haven for roleplayers, so allocate some space for them to throw down some dice. 

That said—and I hate to say this but it's true—control your customers. Every other game store I enter seems to have at least one fellow that's bellowing at the top of his lungs about his female elf wizard character or pinning me up against the wall in an unrequested conversation telling me the glories of his favorite game system with his nose 6 inches deep into my personal space. Not cool. It's worse if I bring my better half along with me or, worse yet, her parents. (And yes Virginia, it happens. I've gone on family trips out of state and had to enter newly found FLGSs with unexpected company!) In fairness, customer behavior isn't the sole responsibility of the FLGS.

5. Keep the place tidy.

Hence the title of this post. I used to find the smell of dust in game stores quaint. Now it makes me want to bolt. Hefting a game book from the shelf with a half inch of dust on it just makes me feel like I'm accepting someone else's leftovers. Even if you've had it in stock for 6 years, unless its an original Fiend Folio or Dragon #20, I don't need to know that.

Here's to all the great FLGSs out there. I love you guys, and I hope you all easily weather the current economic situation and keep rolling for years to come.

Geek Gifts

The thing about being a gamer is that we love our toys. Not necessarily our cars—though I had a red sports car in my youth—but our toys. You know, those little things that scream "Gamer!" when non-gamer folk see them. The Dark Knight calendar on your wall? That McFarland dragon sitting on your shelf? That Cthulhu bust in lifelike green? Geek toys.

Now that I've reached my forties (gasp!), I've pretty much informed my wife that she is my last bastion for the holiday or birthday "geek gifts"; my family can lower themselves to the occasional DVD, but that's about it—otherwise they ask what clothes I want. Now don't get me wrong, I've long since entered the realm in which clothes, home gadgets. and other practicalities are something for which I can happily shop—as a new father I even take real enjoyment picking out  baby clothes, gods help me ("Isn't that the cutest?")—yet there's a certain boyish charm to knowing that there might be a boardgame or GM screen or miniatures pack under the Christmas tree.

This year's guilty pleasures included:

The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.

I loved Brook's World War Z; after seeing the title pop up again and again in my Rue Morgue -style readings, I finally broke down and bought this great work. I had never heard of the author, but damn if he didn't bring a thoughtful, fresh take to the zombie genre with that work. 

I'm a self-professed zombie addict, truth be told. I love movies about the shamblers, ever since watching Night of the Living Dead on the midnight show scared the living hell out of me as a youth. The Zombie Survival Guide looks to be an amusing, thorough work and I can't wait to dive into it. 

Speaking of zombies ... there's also the Walking Dead vol 8, Made to Suffer.

I purchased my first Walking Dead on a business trip in a Washington DC bookstore, in the shadow of the Pentagon. I didn't know it, but I was coming down with a pretty vicious little bug, and I settled into my posh hotel bed with the comic and suddenly found myself uncontrollably turning pages. Instead of savoring the book, as I do most comics, I was turning pages as fast as I could read. I couldn't wait to know what happened next. (It didn't hurt that the main protagonist's name was Rick!) It was (and is) that good. I slept a restless sleep, filled with zombie dreams and I woke up running a good fever, unable to pry the imagery from my head. I was hooked.

It's worth noting that I haven't actually purchased or read volume 7 yet, but my wife was able to find volume 8 and ordered me to find and read the previous volume before opening my newest arrival. No cheating for me!

Dead Space for the Playstation 3.

This hits all the right buttons (no pun intended). First person shooter? Check. Gritty space game? Check. Horror elements, with a touch of zombie-related Resident Evil-ness? Check. Once I finish wiping out those invaders in Resistance: Fall of Man, I'm headed into space. Look out, creepy alien things.

Last, but not least, a DM's Screen for 4th Edition.

My grognard friend Mark got this for me, as well as some official record sheets, stating "This doesn't mean I'm going to play this, you understand, but I figure you might get some use out of them." (He's a die hard 1st-Edition fan that can barely be talking into playing 3rd Edition and doesn't want to even learn another version of the rules, despite some of the good things I've told him about it.) He knows I'm open to all editions on one level or another, and it was a gift well given and happily received.

So what were your "geek gifts"? 

Here's to next year!

I am Nyarlathotep

Or at least this quiz says so. What about you?

Oh, and Happy New Year! I daresay 2009 shall be filled with lots of Cthulhu-style goodness.

Happy Holidays!

I'm taking a quick break from RPG posts for a holiday post. Forgive me.
Okay, in the spirit of the season, here are my top 10 favorite Christmas songs:

Bonus Track! 11. Happy X-Mas (War is Over)
In this song, John Lennon begs the world for peace … a valuable sentiment, in any season.

10. All I Want for Christmas is You
Ye gods, a Mariah song I like! It’s true. It’s rather cutsie, but I like it.

9. Please Come Home for Christmas
A blues standard. There’s actually a surprising amount of X-mas blues tunes out there, but this tops my list. The Eagles gave it a good effort, and Jon Bon Jovi does a shockingly good cover of this, but for the real McCoy get your hands on the Charles Brown (no, the blues singer) version.

8. Santa Baby
Eartha Kitt first sung and recording this in 1953, and she said it was a favorite song of hers. Smoky, bluesy, with a touch of sultry greed … this one charms with its bald-faced honesty.

7. Holly Jolly Christmas
Johnny Marks wrote a number of good Christmas songs, this among them. Burl Ives wasn’t the first to record it, but his happy voice is probably the first folks think of when this song is mentioned.

6. Let it Snow
A great love song that never bothers to mention Christmas, this tune has been covered at least 30 times to my count. Great stuff.

5. Christmas Wrapping
In 1981 the New Wave band The Waitresses spun a great tale of love lost, and found, and lost, and found… Charming, humorous, and something that touches a common chord.

4. What Child is This?
My favorite version of this lovely song is the Vanessa Williams version, well sung and passionately rendered.

3. White Christmas
The film Holiday Inn made this Irving Berlin tune immortal, and with good reason—no one does it like Bing Crosby.

2. The Christmas Song
This wonderful tune was written by Mel Tormé and Bob Wells during a particularly hot streatcch of summer, when Wells jotted some wintery-sounding thoughts on paper to cool off (mentally at least). Nat King Cole recorded several versions, beginning in 1946. Others have made covers of the song, but to me Nat's buttery voice invokes hot rum cider sipped before a warm fire.

1. Jingle Bell Rock
A fast, spirited song that, to me, sums up everything cool about holiday music. It gets me in a good mood every time I hear it for the first time in the season, without fail. That’s enough to earn it first place!

There are many, many more songs I could have mentioned, but this list is good enough for this year!

Get the lyrics and hear many of the songs mentioned here.

I wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and the very best going into 2009!